maybe that’s true for real life. Maybe that’s what I need, that’s what I want. But who the fuck knows. I am the most indecisive person. I can’t take how much of a pussy bitch I am sometimes. It’s crazy how pathetic I am when it comes to a little adventure, a little bit of out of the ordinary. 

My life has been the most extreme kind of ordinary, for well, my whole life… so much so, that now.. I don’t know how to take chances. I don’t know how to free fall, I don’t know what it’s like to follow my heart; my head always gets in the way.

I always pause and think. Well, usually. And, it’s not so much of a pause, as it is a permanent state of confusion. Like I’m always stuck, because I always see far more cons than pros, and I can literally spend weeks, months, debating the same thought.

I need to stop doing this. But that’s just it, I’m far too terrified to change that ordinary life, I’m far too afraid of getting hurt, of letting my guard down, of being vulnerable. I need to stop. I really do. Because maybe I’ve missed out on a lot of things that I really shouldn’t have. Things that could have been amazing. 

I am really the epitome of “what if” situations. I have more than I can count on my fingers and toes. And to this day, I think about all the major what if’s in my life. No one should ever have this many. No one should be afraid to live their lives. 

At the end of the day, underneath this stubborn, angry, tough exterior, I’m still the same little insecure, naive, petrified, heart broken girl I have been for a long time.

And I’d like to say that this has to change, but the point of all this is, I just can’t. I’m not strong enough to change how I am.